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Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Bling Crosby

Former Australian Liberal Party director Lynton Crosby has "Gone Fishin'" to manage the British Conservative Party's election campaign in the run up to next year's election. For anyone who thinks that the ALP is in disarray, look at the Tories for textbook squabbling. Since being thrashed in the 1997 election (Labour 419, Tories 165 seats) they dumped Major and brought in this weird grown up foetus thing with a deep voice - William Hague. His Yorkshire brogue and "Save the Pound" campaign made huge inroads in the 2001 election (Labour 412, Tories 166). He was dumped in favour of Ian Duncan-Smith or IDS as he was known who was not enough of a puncher in the opposition role and only got the job by a fluke. Enter Michael Howard, one of the last of the Thatcher Bridgade. Old, authoritarian and crap. During each leadership ballot, factions have fought against giving the nod to Kenneth Clarke (who isn't that bad really although he is a lard arse) or Michael Portillo (who used to be gay, but is much better now). Even after the hammering Blair has had over Iraq, it looks as though his personal unpopularity is not equating to Labour Party unpopularity. There is no way Howard can win next year (writing that sentence feels so good), so Lynton is on an easy junket with taking this job. Some tips for Lynton in his new role:
  • The British love Americans, play the Uncle Sam card
  • Revive the memory of Thatcher, she is kindly revered
  • Get closer to Europe, particularly the French
  • Don't worry about the pound, try the slogan "We swapped our pounds for kilos, lets swap the pound for euros"
  • Encourage water companies (that Howard helped to privatise) to hike prices again, the poms can then justify poor hygiene
  • Show some clips of every Ashes series since 1989 to show the UK that winning spirit
  • Make ads "A vote for Blair is really a vote for Brown"
  • Promise you'll never give schoolchildren free milk
  • Bring back the poll-tax, it was fair and popular
  • Use the local lingo, Wog and Paki are scampish terms, just like in Australia
And don't forget to double check the number of zeros on your bank deposits, the UK banking system is pants.

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